Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Training to Train, Smiling for Smiles!

I'm very excited. I started training to be certified in Personal Training. I'm training to train. It's an interestingly simple complex. ;)

Ideally, I would love to work at the Lifestyles Centre at Covenant. If that doesn't work out, there is always Bodyworks, Premier Sports Plex, or just the regular Exercise Center.

I'm sick of making people mad. At the bank, I rarely have good news to tell anyone! The only happiness I get out of this job is when I give kids a sucker, people a candy cane, or dogs a treat. Then I peak around through the window to see their reaction, and it gets me through the rest of the day. :)

I just want to smile at people and make them smile in return! I don't really get that here at the bank. I was walking through the grocery store and I realized something: I smile at everyone! At my old job at Mrs. Fields Cookies, my friends once asked me, why do I smile at everyone I see? I told them that I don't, and that I didn't know what they were talking about. Then I noticed, hey, I do!

I really enjoyed being able to nod and smile at everyone I pass, and this was one of the few times in my life where I consciously realized that I was doing it.

On top of which, exercising scientifically makes you happier! I love surefire ways to make people happy! I think I am really going to enjoy my future profession.

Back to the present, time to close up at the bank.... But in the meantime.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sappy Love and Mush

Remember last post, when I said that if I had something on my mind, I had to get it out? While this thing is very happy, I need to get it down because I feel like I will explode if I don't share it.

I've just been really thankful today. The usual Devil-Amongst-Coworkers was being her usual devilish self. Things were just going really poopy. One thing after another was driving everyone crazy, and I was about to throw my hands up and give up on the prospect of having a remotely decent day.

I was thankful for Spencer. Even though he was at work, busy with other things, he still used his free time to send me sympathy-sorries (No one likes to hear rants about someone else's bad coworkers. This meant a lot to me).  And I know this is silly, but my phone has emoticons (old school), whereas his doesn't. Yet, instead of the <3 that has invaded the cyber world, he saved the code for the emoticon heart (on his phone looks like ('\/') or something crazy), and will send that in a text message. An emoticon just for me, because 'less than three' doesn't give it justice. It may seem small, but it makes me smile oh-so big, every time.

I also went on an extra special lunch errand. Sonic for Happy Hour, then Taco Bell. I forgot that the high school was out, so this had such treacherous potential to ruin a perfectly planned lunch. However, yesterday I had set my iTouch to Amy Grant's Christmas album. The Christmas spirit engulfed me, and not even the countless high school kids that darted in front of me, the long lines, nor the unexpected construction at my only exit could get my spirits down. That, my friends, is the true meaning of Christmas. Everything about the season is about giving and receiving and feeling lovey dovey, sure. However, it goes deeper than that. It's about love, forgiveness, and most of all charity. What is charity? "The pure love of Christ," and everything that entails. I was so filled with this spirit, that I did not curse these kids, I did not wish death upon the person that ordered the construction, nor turned up my nose at long lines. All I could think about were the people around me and their needs, as opposed to my own. I could go on and on but I have one more point I want to get down.

Romance novels, of the clean persuasion. I love reading love stories. I never thought I would, but I get so connected and involved with the main character! They turn into my temporary-novelized-best-friend that I would love nothing more than to just sit and listen to all day. Please tell me about your problems! Please tell me what happened when he took you out to dinner! And when I need a break, I can shut them like a book (hehe pun) and pick it up again later where I left off (this is a really twisted pun). No feelings hurt!

I got to thinking why, though. Most people read romance novels to escape the messed up world where romance is nonexistant. I realized, though, I wasn't trying to fall in love with the main character's love interest. I wasn't living vicariously through the main character. I was living with her. I wish I could spend all day with Spencer. Who doesn't feel that way about the one they love? And I've found that reading romance novels at work, it's like he's there. Every sweet thing the man in the book does for our heroine, it reminds me of the sweet thing that Spencer did for me just the day before. I'm so thankful to be in love with a man that I can spend eternity with and not have a shadow of a doubt that he is my other half, the one who was made specifically for me, and I for him.

 This post was extremely scatterbrained, I'm sure, but I think I've relieved my need to share with the world how lucky I am and how thankful I am. I'm also thankful for this outlet, one that I can say whatever I darn-well please, and can make as many grammatical and spelling mistakes as I can stand. Haf a grate dai?  ;)

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Storm Before the Calm

This post may seem very random for everyone, but it's been something on my mind lately. Usually when I have something on my mind, I have to get it down in writing or it'll never leave until it's replaced with something else that I have to get down in writing. This particular thing is unpleasant and is getting me down so I am going to get it off my mind now so I don't have to wait for something else to come (which could take a while).

I've been thinking about depression lately. I'm not sure why. The only way I can think to get this one off my mind is by sharing the time of my life when I was depressed. I've never told anyone the full story and I think I'll feel better once it's all down. Maybe my story will help others who are depressed feel better, or at least understood. For those who like happy stories, read something else.WARNING: This could get lengthy.

My story starts with a boy. We had been dating about 9 months. In the LDS community, this seemed like a good time to really decide about marriage. I was... relatively happy with him, but is this what love felt like? I was so confused. But, on good days, I was happy so I figured I had  to have been in love, right? One day, he told me that he wanted to marry me. He said that I was the one for him. He wasn't proposing, but he was seeing if I felt the same way. I told him I didn't know if I was there yet, but I definitely loved him and said I'd think about it.

He then said that maybe we'd be able to decide better in an open relationship. ?!?. He said that maybe by dating others, we'll realize that this is what we want, and get married. I'm not sure why I deluded myself into agreeing and thinking it would work, but he made a very compelling arguement. In the meantime, we would pray about what was right for us. So, we did. I went on several dates, each with a different guy. Nothing felt right, and if anything, they were annoying. I just thought about this other guy the whole time, and then I felt bad about treating my date so badly, even if he didn't know it because it was all in my thoughts.

Then he found her. He took her out on several dates and oh boy, they hit it off!... He still hadn't decided what he wanted, so he stayed with me, while continually dating her, openly telling me of how amazing his dates with her were, and what they did, which usually consisted of taking her on dates that he took me on in the beginning that I thought were exclusively special to our relationship.

Then one morning, after revealing that he had entered into a physical relationship with her (snuggling, holding hands, and the "first kiss"), and that last night they had gone on the date that him and I had planned, he said that Heavenly Father had given him his answer, and that we weren't supposed to get married... And it had "nothing to do with this other girl". My foot. This other girl was his answer.

This threw me into a deep depression. I couldn't eat. I lost around 11 pounds in three days, and around 14 that week. (FYI, health experts say that if you are trying to lose weight, anymore than 1-2 lbs a week is unhealthy.) There were other things that contributed to this depression but this story is going to be long enough as it is so I'll filter them out. When that week was over, a week and a day after he told me, I became afraid. First, because that week, even looking back on it now, seems like it was months. Secondly, I couldn't get out of bed. Some saving grace sat their in the back of my mind, keeping me sane. It said;

 "Samm, what are you doing? I know it hurts, but what are you thinking? 'I don't care if I'm hospitalized, it'd be better than here'?  That's crazy talk! If nothing else, think of the money it would cost? You're a frugal person, Samm, what a waste! You can't even get out of bed this morning! You called in sick to work yesterday and you plan to do it again, all because you are too weak to do anything! This is serious. 'So what'? So what, he's just a stupid boy. You knew this was coming! 'He wanted to marry me'? You were on the fence about that anyway. Don't be ridiculous. 'I couldn't eat even if I wanted to'? Well, then it's out of your hands. You have a Heavenly Father who loves you. You have a father who loves you. I will give you the strength to get out of bed, now you do the rest."

So I went to my dad. I told him the story, and he told me that a similar thing happened to him, only they were actually engaged, ring and all. We sat on the couch and we cried together and talked it through. He then gave me a blessing, told me he had to pick my brother up from school, and when he got back we would all eat lunch together. It wasn't easy to eat, but that small bit of happiness with my dad helped me to. (Yes, crying with my dad made me happier than I had been all week just because I was able to talk about it.) Then watching cartoons and eating bagle bites with my brother made me realized how much I had set my family to the side to make room for my relationship. I spent more time with my family after that.

My depression only lightened. It didn't go away. I had a friend who I hung out with, and my girls, (In fact, these events are what started the famous Girls Nights every Wednesday, because I had set my best friends aside as well.) But I was still depressed. I saw both him and her at church every week. Together. Happy. Three months later, they got engaged. All the things that were symbols of our relationship, he now shared with her for their relationship: love songs, inside jokes, movies, etc. He did that with me; he took things from his previous girlfriend and made them our things. We called it Reassociation. This is childish to say, but I took them both off my facebook. I couldn't bear it. In fact, everyone else even said that the way they were on facebook disgusted them and people not even involved didn't like looking at their facebook. I knew he was laying it on heavy to make me jealous because he was that type of person. She hated me (I'm not sure why, she got the guy, why make things miserable for me even further?), but she also made things horrible. Other people made things difficult, but those are also filtered out for length purposes.

All of that was difficult to ignore, but I managed somehow. What was unbearable, though, was nighttime. Not only would he creep into my thoughts in the daytime, but they would both creep into my dreams every night. He was always there haunting me. I spent every waking second urgently and adhamently determined not to think about him, and as soon as I let my guard down in sleep, he was there. I'm a avid dreamer, and my dreams are psychotic, so there were no 'dreamless nights'. He was always there every night. The absolute happiest moment for the entire day for me was the time when my alarm would go off, I would wake up, and there was nothing. No thoughts, no dreams, no feelings nor emotions. Just Samm and nothing. It would surprise me! There's nothing! This is great, I love this! Then confusion. Why am I feeling this happy feeling of nothing? And then it would all come crashing down again. The dream of last night, all the things I try to never think about. That nothingness would last only a second or two, if I were lucky enough to hold on that long.

There is a happy ending. I had great friends and a wonderful family to help me through. Then in January, I met the love of my life. He had always interested me, but I never got a chance to get to know him. I had been hanging out with several guys, but was never able to commit. I just didn't feel that way about them. The one guy I was remotely interested in didn't return the feelings. Then I saw my Spencer. It was a breath of fresh air. I didn't think about the other 'him' once. Conversation was easy and entertaining. This particular night, I couldn't get away from him. He was like a sun, and I was his planet, having an unseen force pulling me to him. I tried to fight it, I didn't even know this guy! I should leave him alone. But I couldn't, I was just too happy around him and I hadn't felt connected with a guy in that way for a long time.
My life hasn't been the same since. I was no longer depressed, I was the happiest I had ever been, and I found someone that I will spend the rest of eternity with.

For those interested in happy stories and would like to see the full story, see my other blog Nearly Weds.

This is the end of my sad story. We all become depressed one one time or another, to some degree or another. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy. No body deserves to feel that way. Just remember that your Heavenly Father loves you very much, and that good things will soon come your way. They always talk about the calm before the storm, but you don't hear much about the "storm before the calm". So when life is feeling particularly stormy, get out your rainboots and umbrellas and know that the calm will be there before you know it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

November, Where'd Ya Go?

So I realized that I haven't posted much. Hmm... But I did post at least once a month since I got this thing.

Wait! What about November? Man it flew by!

I found this thing on facebook where it tells all of my status updates of 2010. So, to make up for November, I'll just tell all of my status updates. For documentation purposes, I'm not going to edit any of them, or add or subtract any. :)

*Samantha Allred is sitting by a slowly-progressing-delusional fiance and almost brother-in-law with a broken finger. Come on Covenant, let's hurry this up. 5 hours and counting is more than enough to splint a finger.- Nov 2, 3:04am

*Not that I'm complaining but I've spent a third of my class waiting on my teacher to finish up with another student. Granted, it is a 30 minute class, but... Really?? - Nov 2, 10:12am

*Samantha Allred is loving this Forte :) has it for at least a week. - Nov 4,  8:46am

*I -would- sprain my thumb after giving Preston Rogers such a hard time. Sorry broski.- Nov 4 7:44pm

*Wreck em Tech! Please don't get mauled by the Tigers... - Nov 6, 6:41pm

*OH MY GOSH WE'RE WINNING!!!!! Nov 6, 9:29pm

*OH MY GOSH WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!# Nov 6, 10:32pm #I shortened the number of !!s.

*Samantha Allred feels like a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at any second. Will someone come and clip the red wire? Or is it the blue one? Nov 7, 4:48pm

*"There are no tigers in South America! Zoology..." Nov 13, 11:41am

*Scoring on the first drive against the Sooners! Haven't done that since New Mexico this season. Nov 13, 2:54pm

*Sorry Davis, that was the line. You are now Butterfingers. - See Spencer's tweet- lol.- Nov 13, 3:00pm

*...*sigh* ... -Nov 13 4:06pm

*Well we couldn't have two in a row. Time to start the lasagna. - Nov 13 6:04pm

*These "q" and "a" statuses make me 'q'ueasy and 'a'nnoyed. Please stop. If you have a question, post it on their wall or send a message. - Nov 16 8:29pm

*My computer has a website blocked because it was categorized as "Education"....? Lol that stinks. - Nov 17, 4:06pm

*If my bosses knew what I have to put up with when it comes to my coworkers, and how well I put up with it, I would get a huge raise. Or new coworkers. - Nov 22, 5:06pm

*"It smells like Christmas..." "Like apple?" *hold out hand* "Yes! That's the lotion I wore 2 Christmases ago! ...Why are you wearing it?" "I thought it was soap." Nov 23, 8:38am

*Samantha Allred is thankful for Spencer. Even if I had the world to give him I wouldn't because he deserves more than that, :) ♥ - Nov 25, 1:11pm

*Samantha Allred is thankful for Spencer, my sweetheart who is always willing to gas up my car so I don't have to get out. That's right, thankful for something AFTER Thanksgiving. I love you Spencer!-Nov 27, 11:09am

*Samantha Allred is on the road, headed home so we can make it to Dad's birthday dinner. Happy birthday! Nov 28, 12:48pm

* Home again, home again. Nov 28, 6:12pm

I hope you enjoyed them! I'm thankful for Bruno Mars and Spencer. And the end of the semester!! Almost here....